An Interview

Well, I've wasted little time in my search for employment! I sent a resume and cover letter out last night, got a call in the morning, and had an interview this afternoon. It was for a position in Marketing, more or less.
I think it went well. I was there, being interviewed, for two hours. They are going to call me back tomorrow morning to let me know when I can come back to meet the owner. I actually liked it. We'll see what happens.

Name that Poem

I just rewrote a poem, and now the old title doesn't suit it. Here's the new version...
Any suggestions? (it is up for critique at ITWS for other suggestions)



In summer keep cherries in the fridge
so on hot days you can pop one
in your mouth, hold it behind your teeth,
and tug until the stem stays behind.

(See how many times you can knot the stem.)

Don't bite right away.
Anticipate the juice.
Let it warm in the cavern
above your tongue.

Gently nudge to a space
between back teeth.
Bite down,
and suck in sweet syrup.

Push to the other side.

Bite more!

Swallow the meat as it separates
from the seed. Let juice
mingle with saliva.

Ready the pit.
Guide it with your tongue
behind front teeth, slightly parted.
Scrape and eat every bit
of body.

When completely clean, purse lips.
Aim where it will not stain,
and eject with the force
of a bullet.

-lrfg

Blogthing Quizzes

I have been playing around with some of the quizzes at Blogthing to find out some very important information about myself. hehe...
Of Sesame Street characters, I am Ernie. I would have picked him, too, even without the quiz.
My ideal American city to live is,...my hometown, Chicago!
Of Simpson characters, I'm Bart.
For Halloween I should be Elvis.
My personality age is 26 (I love that one!)
Of tacky Christmas gifts, I'm a Christmas sweater.
I'm 52% American.
And, most important of all, I'm a freaky kisser!

The best quiz available, however, is not at Blogthing, it's at Sarah Sloat's Blog,
The Rain in my Purse. Check it out! Based on your responses, you get a recommendation of a poetry book to read!

The following is my response to the What Your Face Says quiz. I thought this was pretty darn accurate...

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as down to earth and reliable. Overall, your true self is passionate and physical. With friends, you seem logical, detached, and a bit manipulative. In love, you seem energetic - almost manic. In stressful situations, you seem cheerful and optimistic.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

If you haven't bee there yet, go have some fun. The quizzes are short, and there are tons from which to choose!

The End of the Subbing Slump

Lauren finally puts an end to her subbing slump! (And now, she is about to put an end to the rediulous practice of referring to herself in third person. She's starting to scare herself. )

Anyway, I finally did a little subbing last night. I saw Susan Culver's announcement that she will have a poem featured in an upcoming issue of Literary Mama, so I checked it out and decided they just might like a couple of my poems about premature babies or parenting an autistic child. One of the poems, Treasure, has been looking for a home for a long time. It was nominated by ITWS for IBPC back in December, didn't place, and was given a "thanks, but no thanks" from both Stirring and Tilt.

Also subbed were Tiny, Premature, and Tics.

It's okay if they say no (yeah, we'll see how I feel if that actually happens!)...for now, I'm just happy I finally got something out there. Now I need to find a place to send Weird Girls and First Jobs. I just need to find a good fit. I'm still so new to this.

The Crisis Takes Shape

Today marked a new beginning. I finally washed that gray right outta my hair, worked out for an hour at the fitness center, took a long walk with the dogs and my husband, and started a job search. Yes, I've decided I need to get out of the house and get to work. I need health insurance. I need a reason to get out of my pajamas. And I need an exuse for not making dinner.

The Glass Furnace?

If, indeed, this is a mid-life crisis, (*see previous post), then shouldn't I be over-indulging in something? Or is that only for men? What do women do?
Men are known to buy sporty cars and date younger women. They start dressing like teenagers and join the Hair Club for Men. Don't tell me I'm just going to sulk through mine, feeling depressed and sorry for myself!
I need some ideas...
I have been dying to take a class at The Glass Furnace in Istanbul and learn how to do glass blowing. I've talked about it for years, have tried to organize it, but ultimately always end up putting it off.
I would also love to go to a poetry workshop or retreat.
Oh yes, I'm getting myself excited about these ideas. The girls will be with my parents for the first two weeks of June, so I have a little time to look into some possibilities. But I don't have much time...there's just a little over a week away!

It Isn't the Poetry

This isn't a poetry slump. It is all starting to make sense. I hesitate to tell you what I think it really is because I always thought I was above this.

Ready? Lean in so I can whisper it.

I think it's a mid-life crisis.

And what is worse? Realizing half of my life is over and I haven't accomplished even half of what I hoped I would? Or is it admitting that I am old enough to have one? I think that's a tie.

Life goes by more slowly when you're young. Why doesn't anybody tell you that? It makes sense, because everything is relative. But when you're a child, you feel like you'll be around forever. I remember thinking, "I'm ten years old, and I've been alive for such a long time...if I've got seventy or so more of these years to live, there is nothing I can't do!" It was just a notch below immortality.

Nobody explained that time would slip by more quickly with each passing year, and that the possibility of accomplishing new goals would be an increasing challenge. Heck, if anybody did tell me, I'm sure I would not have listened anyway.

I know, I know, there are many examples of people who "made it" in their golden years. There is no rational reason to feel down. But what does "made it" mean, and why do I feel like it is still something I need to do?

Will I always be dissatisfied with myself, thinking I should be something more than what I am? I have a lot to be thankful for, of course. Can I blame my ADD? Why not? I never quite reach my potential because I can't focus, finish things I start, etc. But what about my fellow ADDers who got past their shortcomings to create incredible careers, such as the founder of Jet Blue airlines and the infamous e-tickets (because he was always losing his!)?

Did I chose the wrong career path? Certainly, I feel that I did. I had so much doubt that in my senior year I didn't even go through the steps to practice and secure interviews. I was sure I was not going to be a teacher. But I was so close to the degree, it was worth finishing to fall back on.

After all, I didn't start college to become a teacher. I was in the college of business headed for a career in advertising. I remember the advisor telling me I was making a big mistake when I left that college. It wasn't until about twenty years later that I realized he was right.

All that indecision. And I never narrowed it down. I spent my twenties in and out of art school and teaching jobs. I couldn't dedicate myself to either one, bouncing back and forth protected by my delusion of immortality. My obsession at that stage of my life was overcoming infertility.

Procrastination? Is that the root of my problem? I always felt I was destined for great things, but I would get to that later. If my ADD had been identified and addressed, perhaps I could have had counseling to steer me in the right direction. I needed help narrowing down a career choice that would fit in with my "ways", and also one that would utilize my talents. Teaching was never a great fit. It became my crutch.

And now I finally understand that time does not stop for me. And I realize that I made some wrong choices in my life. And I feel like I'm not exactly who I want to be.

On the other hand, I feel wrong in saying that because I am a mother. Becoming a mother was the single most important thing to me, and I had to fight long and hard to make that happen. I wouldn't trade the job of mothering my children for anything in the world. I tell myself that this must be enough. But I just don't believe it.

I took an online test the other day to determine the right jobs for me. (I wish I did that twenty years ago. ) Anyway, the results were pretty interesting. The choices did not consider ADD nor how inept I am in math into account, so that knowledge eliminates some of their picks. The number one choice was an Architect (that's my father's occupation so for some reason I never considered it), then the list was...

Psychologist
$62,000 - $82,000
Computer systems analyst
$62,000 - $82,000
Chemist
$76,000 - $98,000
Airplane pilot
$99,000 - $111,000
Flight engineer
$87,000 - $105,000
Veterinarian
$65,000 - $86,000

What was more interesting for me, however, was the explanation, which was right on. I'll print that below. The second choice, Psychologist, is what I actually always wanted to be, since junior high school. However, I decided early on that it would take too much schooling to become a psychiatrist, and for some ignorant reason, I never considered other jobs in that field. A good mentor at that time in my life could have helped.

I should have pursued a career in writing (journalism or advertising), psychology (counselor or research), or illustration. I still think I am a very good educator,too, but would prefer the university level. I could do well in any of these, and they would probably fit with the following analysis of my ideal job situation.

From the quiz at Tickle.com:

Your most important qualities are: Analytical and Creative. (yes)


You try to control situations by learning everything there is to know. You hesitate to take hasty actions and prefer to become an expert before providing your opinion on matters. When you do become an expert, however, it is hard for you to listen to novices who try to give their advice, as well. As a result, you ultimately prefer to work by yourself so that you can implement your own solution rather than cooperate just to please others.Research has shown that people whose personalities are well-suited to their job environments are happier and more successful. You do not need to live in extravagance, but you do like to indulge in a few luxuries. Whether you own a nice home, have an expensive hobby, or take lavish vacations, you are proud that your hard work can support the lifestyle you want. Having a stable, and relatively prestigious, job is a priority for you. Your career identity is important to you, and you want to feel proud when telling others what you do for a living. Be careful that you spend within your means. In your later years, retiring comfortably and paying off debts should be your priorities. Because having a rewarding career is important to you, be on the lookout for career advancement opportunities.

I guess it is time for me to research if and how I can still get the education I would need to obtain my "ideal career".

At this point in my life, I finally understand that time really does fly and that I won't be around forever. And this is not an easy pill to swallow. I realize I need to get moving and make things happen. I no longer have room for my old pal, Procrastination, but I doubt I can dump him for good.

Cim Bom Bom

Galatasaray
2006 Turkish League Champions

Life with Alp

(I have decided to make a separate blog to discuss Life with Alp. This post will be my first entry there. )

It is hard to get a picture of Alp smiling, because he insists on saying "cheeeeeeese", so this is what you usually get. He's adorable anyway.

Since Alp is in a new school and is finally having some success, the ESE director recently recommended he stay there for next year, even though normally he would be going on to middle school. I think this is a great idea because I was worried about what a new location and new teacher might bring. Having him in a good place is such piece of mind.

For those of you that haven't already met or at least read about my stepson, Alp,...he is one month shy of twelve years old and has Autism and Tourette's Syndrome*. He lives with me, my husband, Erhan, and my eleven year old twin girls, Erin and Rachel.

By far, the most disturbing of Alp's maladies are the self-injurious tics associated with Tourette's Syndrome.

The latest tics are of concern because they are painful. He taps. Hard. Perhaps tap is too gentle of a term to describe what he does. He hits. He doesn't mean to hurt. The problem is, the hand flicks violently and lets the fingers ram into one's arm.

Worse than this is what he does to himself. For months he has been whacking the sides of his head, directly on the ears. This is also a very hard "pop". He has gotten sores on his ears and I worry about the internal stress he's put on them.

He has another tic that is difficult on his teeth and jaws. He lets his head hang back a bit, then leans forward quickly to let his head fall foward so he can hear his top teeth click onto the bottom ones. This one has been around for quite some time.

Another bad one is the right arm slam. He lifts the arm in "wing" position and smacks it into his side. He has long, thick calluses on his inner arm from it rubbing against his shirts.

How I wish we could find something to help him with tics. He is on so many meds, vitamins and supplements**, etc. He has had behavior therapy, which doesn't help because tics are not voluntary. We have also had him on a Gluten-free/Cassein-free diet (the jury is still out on this one) for the past three months. I can't help but feel there must be some relief out there, somewhere.

Two nights ago, I discovered a new tic and its repercussions. Hopefully it won't turn into a full-fledged behavior that lasts months. I noticed that instead of hitting his ears, (possibly because of the sores on them) he began hitting his chest in a Tarzan-type motion, but with open hands. Later that evening, I took him to the pool and noticed he was not only badly bruised there, but also had a huge swollen lump. It was obvious the lump was an allergic reaction. It not only had a rash, but was puffy and warm. The only justification I can give for the allergy in that area is perhaps the material from his shirt being pushed against his skin irritated him. He is very sensitive to different detergents, and he had just returned from a couple days at his mother's house. Maybe she used some different soaps. Anyway, I gave him Benedryl when we got home and the swelling was down by the morning. I later found out that while he was at his mother's, she doubled the MethylAid supplement dosage, even though the doctor told us to decrease it a week prior when his arms broke out in allergic rashes. This could have caused part of the problem. (Unfortunately, she refuses to believe these are related, despite the fact that the doctor said there could be. Relations with her are presently very strained.)

We have kept Alp on the lower dose and he seems to be better. I don't notice him pounding his chest very often, and the head slapping seems to be on its way out. (Thank God) The side slap is in full force, however, and he seems to be avoiding the usual area and hitting himself further back. To do this, he lifts his leg on that side and twists as if trying to hit his butt. He looks like a crazy cheerleader. I wonder if he's doing this because the side is sore. How I wish we could help him.

Besides all these tics, Alp has been very good lately and quite calm. He did have an outburst in the car yesterday when I couldn't find the right song on the CD, but those moments are fewer these days. He doesn't complain at all about school and he gets up and gets ready for school nicely.

Oh, there is one new area of concern. In the evening, he retreats to the restroom and will stay there until I insist he comes out. We think he is in a phase of "self discovery", which would be appropriate at this age. We are thankful he understands he needs to be in the restroom (actually this was a part of behavior therapy that worked), but it is getting a bit obsessive. Once he does come out, in a few minutes he disappears again. When it is time to go to sleep, the same thing happens.

Since I'm devoting this entire post to Alp and his current tics and behaviors, the only other one he is really displaying right now is his usual vocal stuff. He needs to be speaking at all times, and right now, if he isn't reciting or singing something ("Celebrate good times...woo-hoo"), he loudly is doing his "AAAAh,-Ahhhh-Ah" sound. For us, this is barely noticeable. When we are out in public, however, it usually brings some quizzical stares, until they see him do some hand flapping or one of his self-slapping tics. Adults usually understand, but children tend to stare in awe. And the funny part is when babies or toddlers see him. I have seen them laugh as if he is performing a show just for their entertainment, or cuter yet, they mimic him!

Life with Alp could probably be a blog all on its own, but that would require too much extra organization. I'll just periodically give updates about him here. Sometimes just writing about it helps me cope. *Tourette syndrome is defined by multiple motor and vocal tics lasting for more than one year. Many people have only motor tics or only vocal tics. The first symptoms usually are involuntary movements (tics) of the face, arms, limbs or trunk. These tics are frequent, repetitive and rapid. The most common first symptom is a facial tic (eye blink, nose twitch, grimace), and is replaced or added to by other tics of the neck, trunk, and limbs.
These involuntary (outside the patient's control) tics may also be complicated, involving the entire body, such as kicking and stamping. Many persons report what are described as premonitory urges -- the urge to perform a motor activity. Other symptoms such as touching, repetitive thoughts and movements and compulsions can occur. -Tourette's Syndrome Association, Inc.

**Alp's current medications and supplements:4mg Risperdal, 600 mg Trileptal, .5mg Clonidine EnZym-Complete/DPP-IV II, MethylAid, Taurine (1000mg), 5-HTP 100mg, Multi vitamin, Zinc Picolinate

IBPC

April's IBPC winners were finally announced. I would link to the site, but they aren't up yet. Rachel Mallino posted them at ITWS. Weird Girls didn't place, so now I have absolutely no excuse not to do some submitting. (Congrats to Judy Goodwin on her HM representing SCWW!) I also have First Jobs I can send out. And probably a few others. I'm still completely unmotivated!
I just remembered that yesterday I did send in Miscarraige (previously published at
The Centrifugal Eye) for my bimonthly contribution to the Illinois State Poets Society website. They will acknowledge its previous appearance. New poems should be up around June 4th.

Rachel and Bella

Okay...I figured out the photo thing. (I still can't add new links, so if anyone wants to advise me on that, I'd appreciate it. I tried to follow google's help instructions, but it didn't work.) I just wanted to add this other cute pic I took today of two of my darlings...Rachel and Bella. They are sitting on our new concrete slab in the back of the house.

The Front

This is the front of my house. (I promised michi a garden pic.) I would have liked it to be a sunnier day... and for the grass to be trimmed... and for there to be more mulch in the area around the light post,... but oh well. You can't really see my roses either. But it this will do for the first picture on my blog.
Our roof will be replaced in a couple of months thanks to Hurricane Wilma. You can't see the damage in this shot.
I just planted the stuff around the light because the original, ugly one was also Wilma's victim. My dad recently helped us cement this new one down. Those are three little jasmine bushes around the back of it. They don't look too happy today, so I may give them a little plant food later, and trim them down. They're probably just adjusting to their new location.
The tree behind the post with purple flowers is Ruella. I'm not sure on the spelling. It grows like crazy here. If you trim it and leave the clippings, they will start to grow. The smaller vine on the white trellis in the background is bougainvillea. It had yellow flowers when I bought it, but for some reason, I can't keep them blooming. (I have another one that is lilac.) I've tried special foods for blooming to no avail. Anyway, this is a part of my garden. It keeps me happy! :)

Grand Central Station!

Wow, today I found three more poet's comments here! This is incredible. I feel so popular! (I know how pathetic I am, no need to tell me.)
Maybe all this attention will get me back in the mood to submit some work. Actually, what I think I'll do is wait to see if Weird Girls is not needed at IBPC (whenever they get around to that...this is April I'm still wiating to hear about!) and then send that out with a few others. Or am I just procrastinating again? I just cannot get motivated.
Maybe I should use this "down" time to do more reading,...maybe order some chapbooks. I haven't done that since I got michi's and Susan Culver's. That was about six months ago. Those were both amazing.
Sounds like a plan...

Michi and Sarah Came to my Blog!

Wow, two great poets stopped by my humble blog and even left me comments! Thanks guys! I'm actually not sure if I should be glad or embarrassed. It's pretty boring here, after all! Maybe I'll have to start using spellcheck if I'm going to actually have guests. Hmmmm....maybe I'll have to start making my life sound more exciting, too! Nah, this isn't going to be a creative writing venture. Oh! Almost forgot some big news around here...Erhan has his citizenship ceremony this Wednesday! He is so relieved/excited/elated. He says now he'll have to find something new to be stressed out about. I'm sure he'll have no trouble. I'm thinking about throwing him a party this Saturday. We aren't really party people, so I'm not sure I'll go through with it. I did decide against the surprise element, figuring that would just make it way too complicated. We do have our new patio to celebrate on, and I thought a little patriotic theme would be appropriate. I'll have do decided soon so I can get to inviting people. Erhan's still on a natural high from his team winning the Turkish Soccer League title. Hooray for Galatasaray!!!!

Two in a Row!

I just read yesterday's post and I forgot to mention that I found a new school for Rachel for next year. It is called Kentwood Preparatory (http://www.kentwood-add.com/) and it is a school ONLY for students with ADD, who are of average or above average intelligence. I think it will be just the right place for her. She will learn the things she needs help with like organizational and social skills, as well as academics. She will also fit in and be understood. Also, she will be able to be in sixth grade next year, where she should be. They tested her and said emotionally and intellectually that is where she should be. So...Hooray! It feels good to know she should be successful there.

I am still pondering Erin's education. I love the American Heritage school for her. Of course, money is an issue. And last night, she said she wants to stay at Hagen if she makes it to be a patrol guard! If she doesn't want to change, maybe it is best she stay there next year and I try to get her into the middle school of the arts for the next year.

Two months later

Well, if I could have looked two months into the future from my last blog entry, I would be pleased. Many of the issues have been somewhat resolved, or at least improved. I can also see just how much does happen it two months time. And gee, I feel like we have actually accomplished some things:
1. Alp is doing MUCH better. He is back in school...actually a new and better one. He has increased medication, gone through behavior therapy, and we even tried a gluten and cassein-free diet, along with gazillions of supplements. Because we started so many things at once, it is hard to say which of those has been the most successful. Anyway, the good news is that he is much better and is not showing any aggression at all. I think the meds have helped him the most. We are actually experimenting with foods that do have gluten and cassein to see if that effort is worthwhile. So far, that doesn't seem to be making a difference, but it is too soon to tell for sure.
2. Rachel is now staying home from school and getting a homebound tutor to come to the house to finish out the year. That may sound like a negative thing, but it really has not been. She has so much less anxiety since she doesn't have to deal with that incompetant school. She has been working really hard at home and doing a great job academically and emotionally. I'm quite proud of her.
3. Bella has a new, imporved "stubborn dog" collar and she does not leave the yard. I do not take them anywhere anymore, which is sad, but at least we haven't had to pay anyone else's vet bills. She has, however, killed some wildlife on our property, including an adult raccoon and a baby possum.

In other news, Erin got her Phase I braces off about a week ago. Her teeth look great. She actaully didn't want to have them off. She liked them. Go figure.

Poetically...nothing much to report. I did finish my fifth month of 30:30. And posted my 2000 post at ITWS. I have a poem nominated for IBPC, but that has not been announced yet and I doubt I'll place. I've been up for consideration three other times without placing, so that is sort of what I expect.
I have been rather down on poetry to be honest, and I've been trying to jolt myself out of it. I think it started when I entered a weekly challenge at an Internet Workshop Board and was the ONLY one...let me say that again...the ONLY one to not even be mentioned!!!! I didn't realize just how much it bothered me until I traced my bad poet mood back to that. I know it is stupid, and I tried to force myself to keep putting stuff out there...BUT...it just seems I can't produce anything worthwhile right now.
I've been meaning to sub some work out, but just can't seem to do it. I don't like my stuff right now, and when I try to work on a piece to make it better, I seem to end up wanting to scrap it. I'm sure this will pass, I just hope it is soon.

I'm looking forward to hearing more information about my story in the Cup of Comfort book. I did hear that it will definitely be featured. That will be so cool. But it seems so far off. The book won't come out until sometime in 2007.

Oops...forgot to mention the Arkansas house stuff...
4. We ended up almost buying a bigger, better, newer dream house on the lake...a brand new home with a killer view of Greers Ferry Lake. We almost even bought the adjoining lot. And then we realized we were getting in way over our heads. We also realized that the kids need to go to private schools and that will cost plenty of $$. So, for now, Arkansas is but a dream.

I think I'll wrap this up for now.
Looking forward to American Idol tonight...down to three. Go Elliott!!!